Who Am I Kidding?

Ever have one of those days where all your self-confidence seems to have been sucked out of you? You suddenly feel like a total fraud, and wonder how you ever managed to kid yourself that you were capable of doing anything worthwhile.

These days are the bane of any person prone to depression or anxiety. On these days, the depression lies to you and makes you believe the lies. Having been around the block with this a few times now, I recognise the lies as lies when they pop up, but somehow they still have power. I know this feeling will pass. It might last a few hours, a day or two, or longer. But it will end. It is fleeting and untrue.

Today, I am telling myself that I am up to it. I am not worthless. I have talents and skills and qualities that I value. I don’t fully believe it just now. That is the power of depression. Yet, I know that if I keep my chin up and keep calling out the lies, I will eventually win.

So, screw you depression! You suck and you lie.

A walk around my garden this morning has helped me, and I will probably try to find some time to just sit quietly in the sunshine later. It reminds me that I have created something beautiful that continues to grow and change by itself. Things I saw today that made me happy:

  • The woodlice have woken up and are enthusiastically chewing up the inside of an old log near the wendy house.
  • Some of the daffodil buds in my bulb pots have a hint of yellow.
  • The purple flowered hellebores I planted last year will be open soon.
  • The primroses under the apple tree are coming out.
  • The kids have been playing in the garden, as evidenced by a neatly tied bundle of ivy leaves, a rogue ball in a border, and spades discarded on the lawn.
  • There are crocuses popping up in the grass.

I hope no one else is battling demons today. But if you are, tell them to screw off and hold your chin up high. We shall overcome.

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